Anorexia, like many mental illnesses, prays on your weaknesses, your vulnerabilities. It hits you where it hurts. For those struggling with anorexia, that place is in food and the thought of gaining weight. To the anorexic, gaining weight is far worse than death. As a matter of fact, the anorexic would choose death over gaining weight if she had the choice.

At the height of my anorexia, when someone asked me what my worse fear was, I almost always said, “I’m afraid of getting fat.” But even in my state of complete denial over how my body looked, I knew this sounded ludicrous.

Gaining weight is repulsive for the anorexic. It means weakness, torture, agony, pain, worthlessness, guilt and shame, defeat, punishment, surrender, giving up, and succumbing to her worst fear.

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly things can change. Over the course of a year, you could be living in an entirely different state. In just a month you could be working at a different job. In a week, you could welcome someone new into your life. And in mere moments you could lose someone you love. Your life is flipped upside down. Anyone who has ever lost someone they love knows exactly how this feels.

Time is constantly pulling us along, always changing, always putting new opportunities and new people into our lives. But it’s also taking things away that we might hold onto tightly. We all have these pictures of what “the ideal” is, the myths we tell ourselves when we find the perfect job, the perfect mate. Attachments are dangerous, yet they are necessary.

Joy. That small but powerful word inspires so much within us. We think of so many things that bring joy to our lives: Our children, our friends, our favorite movie, a song, a good meal, the people we love. It inspires us to pursue our passions, motivates us to move forward in our dreams, and has the power to evoke smiles on our faces.

Are joy and happiness the same? Can you have one without the other? Joy and happiness are different. Joy is an internal sensation of happiness. It is not an instant feeling of gratification. It happens over time and through conscious effort. Joy is when we can be our authentic selves and it lasts much longer than happiness.

How do you define “health”? Is it free of any pain? Free of any disease? In great shape? Able to run a marathon? Whatever your definition of health, it comes down to this: self-love.

I’ve recently realized something that I wish I could tell my younger self: I am worthy. I am confident. I am enough. It took more than twenty years to get to this point, but as I’ve come to realize, the journey takes precedence over the destination. With time, experience, and wisdom, most people can find the elusive “happiness” by looking withing themselves and not relying on others.