I grew up and the desire to fly left my body just as the rest of my childhood did. The world suddenly became too serious and too sad. The whimsical childhood wishes and fantasies about flying became real-life worrying and fretting over everything from gas prices to starving children in our own country. Some thirty years later, all desire to fly receded and became just another distant memory. But sometimes life has a way of bringing us back to those childhood moments full of desires and wishes, even when we haven’t thought of them for years.
This past Christmas I traveled to Puerto Rico. My partner wanted to do the longest zipline in the world at Toro Verde, a mountain top adventure park with the only way there were precarious, winding roads with sheer cliffs on one side and the rugged mountain face on the other. I had been on narrow strips of roads leading up mountains before, but they still gave me the jitters.
Since becoming an adult and forgetting my child-like sense of adventure, anything remotely life-threatening gave me anxiety. Ziplining was no exception. We purchased the combo package, which meant we would be doing two ziplines, el monstruo, which is 1.5 miles long, and la bestia, over 4,000 feet long.
The line to the entrance was long and the day threatened rain and possibly a storm. I wondered whether the zipline would close if it rained or started lightning. My body convulsively shook while in line, and watching each person soar over us, belly down, cradled in a tarp and attached to only a carabiner and thick steel cable, didn’t ease my fears. I wanted to stay on the ground where I belonged. The desire to fly had vanished a long time ago.
I had to decide. Would I take the easy path and back out of what most likely would be one of the most memorable experiences of my life, or would I go through with it and risk the cable snapping, the carabiner giving out, the possibility of never seeing anyone I loved again? I was at a crossroads.
As adults we are often paralyzed by fear because of the unknown. We have no way of knowing what the future holds, and with increasing chaos in our country, we often either stay in our “safe zone” or find ways to move forward. These decisions don’t have to be categorized as “right” or “wrong” because each just leads us to something different. We may regret the decision in hindsight, but at the time, we aren’t sure what the result will be. Whatever we decide, the decision will change us.
I made the decision to take the risk. When it was my turn to be hitched up, my body went on autopilot, following the orders of the zipline attendant as she told me what to do, where to place my hands, and what to expect at the end. Though my breathing was normal, I felt anything but calm. When you are as scared as I was for fear of meeting an unsavory, violent death whether by impaling a mountain or falling through the trees into the river, you tend not to move an inch, not even to blink. I kept my body rigged and my eyes straight ahead. The wind blew against my face causing my eyes to water. My back ached from arching so tensely. My hands gripped the hook that suspended me in mid-air like a vice. I vaguely remember the trees and the rivers flowing beneath me. The fear gripped every muscle in my body so that I couldn’t even enjoy the experience. I was too scared to be excited by the fact that the wish I had made all those years ago came true.
It wasn’t until after my feet were safely on the ground that I remembered my wish. As a kid, I didn't think twice about the fear of heights; as an adult, I know I have it. Distance, whether through time or travel, tends to bring new and different perspectives to what we previously may have thought or believed. I couldn’t comprehend anything bad happening to me when I was kid, wishing to fly over the land. But as an adult, I could very vividly feel the fear coursing through my body, screaming at me not to do it.
When we’re adults, our paradigms tend to shift, our feelings around certain things or people change. We see the world with new eyes, new perspectives, and from different points of view. We have experienced life and gain the wisdom to know what could hurt us. We have seen pain and also joy; we have witnessed injustice but also compassion towards our fellow humans. All of these things bring us to our present moment, with our past just a memory away and our future ahead of us, one full of promise, sadness, fear, and hope, even if we are too afraid to look further than a few feet.
The experience left me in awe at how life has a way of granting wishes you haven’t had in years, in ways that you don’t expect. My world is different than it was when I was growing up and it will continue to change. The experience at the zipline reminded me of the journey and how far I have come.
