By the time I hit my teenage years, I was focused on getting good grades and making myself as small as possible so I wouldn't attract attention. I developed an eating disorder as a way to rebel against “womanhood” and all that it entailed. Of course, I didn’t realize that making my body stop developing was an act of defiance. I didn’t think that suppressing who I was would matter all that much. I was just trying to fit in and be a “functional adult.” But now years later, I can see how I had been stifled from living my authentic self, through no one’s fault. We don’t know what we don’t know until we know it.
When I got to college, my vision of things changed. My professors shared books written by all kinds of writers from all over the world, including women -- women who were not afraid to write about controversial subject matter. Reading about other women’s stories, whether true or fictional, was eye-opening. It dawned on me that I could also be myself and I should feel free to be her. I read women whom I admired, those who wrote about their stories, even if they were hard and difficult to share. They spoke up about injustices and weren’t afraid to share their opinion about certain issues.
After my divorce, the transition from being married to being single made my desire to become my authentic self even more powerful. Divorce is considered a life event and a change that has an effect on your perspective. I began exploring my story and what had happened to me since the time my mother died to the time I divorced. Soon, I published portions of my story for others who might be going through something similar. The more personal development articles and podcasts I was exposed to, the bolder I got about being my authentic self.
It can be so easy to forget about ourselves and who we once were when we reach a certain age, stage, or lifestyle expectation. Whether you are living the dream life you always wanted or not; whether you have kids or not; whether you are in a relationship or not. We tend to forget ourselves and accept the status quo.
Living in the same way every day is like listening to a record on repeat. You know what word comes next. You know what combination of musical notes is coming. You can drive to work on autopilot. You can make a spreadsheet in your sleep. But somewhere deep inside your body is your authentic self waiting to emerge.
Maybe you’re happy with your current life; maybe you aren’t. If you aren’t, then it may be time to admit that you have been suppressing your true self for much longer than you intended. Stifling your thoughts, feelings, and true self is like pushing that proverbial dust under the rug over and over. Eventually, it’s going to seep out slowly or explode in a cloud of sneeze-inducing dust bunnies.
It takes guts to give up the life you’ve been living, the complacent predictable one. It may take encouragement from others and inspiration from those role models to remind you to be who you are. Trust yourself and what you already know deep down.
I hereby give you permission to let your true self shine.
