Divorce is on the same level of grief as death. When my husband asked for the divorce, I watched my world crumble in front of my eyes. I packed up my belongings, each item a knife to my heart because it held a memory to it. My soon-to-be-ex-husband was cruelly silent, knowing that once I was out of his life, he would be free to pursue another woman. 

I cried every day for over a year. I didn’t think I could get out of bed let alone out of the door on some days. Somehow, I survived, and now, three years later, I can attest to the fact that I wouldn’t be the person I am had it not been for the tragic events of divorce.  

Call them what you want, but here are some of the positive aftereffects that came from my divorce:

1. I am stronger than what I thought. In order to get out of something, you have to go through it. When you’re in the middle of it, you can’t see anything but the pain and sadness you’re feeling. Everywhere you look is a reminder of what you once had. Every song that comes on the radio is about you and your broken heart. Every couple you see is a slap in the face from what you have lost. But what you don’t and can’t see is how all of these things are actually making you a stronger person. Once you get through the worst part of it, you will look back and realize the challenges were allowing you to see and prepare yourself for a future that looks different than what you originally thought it would.  

2. I am more loved and cared about than I thought. When I was going through the divorce, finding out things about my husband that I never thought he was capable of, I had the support of my family and friends the entire time. They gathered around me, from a distance and in person, in my good moments and more often, my bad ones. They took every call, answered every text, and listened to the same story a hundred times. They didn’t have to. They could have told me they didn’t have time or were sick of hearing my sob stories. But they didn’t. They stopped whatever they were doing and came to my aid. It was partly through them that I mustered enough strength to get up each day and as a result, cultivated a deeper appreciation for those I love. When you are at the lowest point of your life, it’s usually the time you see who truly cares for you by how they react to your situation.

3. I am more capable of living by myself and doing things on my own than I thought. When I lived alone, I knew my life wouldn’t stop just because I didn’t have a husband anymore. I was still alive and functioning, and I took aerial arts classes and traveled. Each holiday or long weekend, I rented an Airbnb or hotel and drove or flew to different places I’ve always wanted to go. Was it lonely? Of course. Did I feel awkward at times in restaurants or coffee shops? Absolutely. Was it all worth the embarrassment of strangers whom I’d never see again? You bet. If I didn’t take the leap and pursue one of my goals in life, I would have missed out on seeing and experiencing new places. I hiked mountains, explored cities, and toured historical landmarks on my own, each fostering a new relationship with myself, each road a reflection on the path that I was taking and what I was leaving behind. I had the time and space to reflect on my thoughts, where they came from, and whether or not they were true or not. I would not have truly gotten to know myself if I had been with someone else.

4. I learned from the mistakes I made. The choices we make will all end in consequences, whether good or bad, and we will have to live with the outcome. The choices I made in my marriage had consequences, ones that I couldn’t predict. The choices my husband made in our marriage also had consequences, ones that he chose to live with. I can’t tell you how they worked out for him; however, for me, the consequences that I live with served as a lens to see the ways in which didn’t serve me or him when I was married, and the way I want to be now that I am divorced. In some ways, we don’t change who we are inherently without significant work, therapy, and grit. But I have learned more about myself and the choices that resulted in negative consequences, and I know I can do differently for my next partner.

5. I met the person I want to be (with imperfections). As I mentioned above, a few things about me changed as a result of my divorce. But some of my characteristics aren’t going to change. I may still have a perfectionistic personality. I may still be adamant about the way clothes are folded. I may still prefer a quiet night with a book at home instead of a loud bar or restaurant. But with some things involving our relationships, we can change. Without the struggles and setbacks, reflections and growth-mindset, I would never have met the person that was hiding inside of the old me.

All of the above lessons couldn’t have been achieved without going through the obstacles. The new me couldn’t have emerged had it not been for those reflections and those times alone and those times with people who loved me. I am less afraid to speak up about my experiences than I was five years ago. I am less afraid to confront the uncomfortable feelings that still come up from time to time. Growth is all about positive change and enlightenment that is personal to you. 

Everything I’ve learned could not be perceived as accomplishments a few years ago. It takes some distance and reflection to see progress. Without going through the difficult times, there is no way to discover the resiliency and strength you never knew you had. I encourage you to take some time and look back on the year that is ending, or the last few years, and look at everything you went through and where you are now.