Displaying items by tag: healing

I was recently reminded of how resilient I am. How resilient we all are. I was asked to think about a time when I didn’t think I was going to overcome a challenge but did. I’ve had many challenging times in my life, but the one that stands out to me most was what I went through after my husband left me with what felt like pieces of myself scattered all over the floor. 

Things I Used to Tell Myself:

1. Keep yourself small. Don’t attract so much attention or people will find out how imperfect you are.
2. Be careful about speaking up. Your opinions don’t matter.
3. Try to be as good as others in looks and achievements. That's the only way you will be loved and happy.
4. You aren’t smart or good enough unless you get all A’s. Make lots of money. Keep your body thin.
5. You have to prove yourself to be loved. You aren’t inherently worthy of it without something tangent that can be seen.

When I was growing up, I preferred being outside playing in the dirt or woods to being inside learning how to cook and bake. I liked watching TV and the shows I watched inspired stories and games that I managed to wrangle my younger sister and brother into playing. I rebelled against the “domestic” chores my grandma asked me to do -- laundry, clean my room, and learn how to make meals. I preferred stuffed animals to baby dolls. I wanted to be outside, in the grass and dirt. I wanted to be “one of the boys” like my dad or cousin. 

But as I got older, it was an unspoken suggestion that my desire to be outside getting dirty was “unlady like” and that I needed to be quiet in school and church, and wear more feminine attire. I needed to be more of a girl. Always a people pleaser, I internalized those subliminal suggestions and I tried my best to conform, especially when I was out in public or with my grandmas. I could be more outgoing at my house, but had to reign in my emotions when I was in school, in church, or anywhere out in public.

I was with my former husband for nine years before our relationship ended. After the dust settled and I could think straight, I found myself lost. I didn’t know where to begin the healing journey. I knew I had to remove myself from anything of my former husband, and I had to find my own place to heal, both physically and mentally. I found a small apartment and made it sacred, with new pictures on the walls and motivational quotes on my bathroom mirror. I eliminated things that would remind me of my past life. It helped, but it still didn’t block out the memories and everything I had lost. My plans and expectations were dashed. I had to start my life over from scratch.

Typically during the last weeks of the old year, people set goals or intentions for themselves to carry through into the next. The most common ones include weight loss, exercising more, saving more money, watching less television or social media, or drinking less caffeine. Some less common ones might be being more mindful, starting a meditation practice, or getting more sleep. 

Sometimes we say we want to work on ourselves, but it’s normally in a vague sense of, perhaps thinking more positively or communicating more effectively with the people in our lives. We even may set our sights on altering a personality trait that has been our vice for a long time. Granted, we can’t change everything about ourselves, nor would we want to completely. However, we can work on cultivating more positive attributes from what we already have, or amplifying those areas where we may lack. 

Once in a while, it can be reaffirming to travel back in time to a point in our life that seemed devastatingly hard in order to see a clearer version of just how far we’ve come. After all, progress would not happen without pain. Growth would not happen without suffering.  

The end of the year brings with it reflections and a look back into the past. I have been thinking back to how much inward progress I have made since my divorce in 2021. This isn’t meant to be a humble brag, only a promise of hope to anyone who has or is going through what seemed like the worst time of your life. These “worst times” changed me for the better. What follows is meant to be inspiring for anyone experiencing the kind of devastation that makes them question its ending and wondering if they will ever see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

“It is the problem of the human heart in conflict with itself which alone can make good writing.” ~William Faulkner

I have a problem and it is two-folds. I am a perfectionist with the awareness that I am a perfectionist. Why is this a problem? Because once you are aware of somthing you deem a flaw about yourself, then you have the responsibility to change it. Unfortunately, it isn’t so easy.

Do you remember when you were in school there was always that quiet kid in class who barely spoke but always seemed to excel on tests and projects? They normally kept to themselves and had few friends, yet aced quizzes and tests. Maybe they were called weird or shy. They were the ones that the popular kids didn’t associate with. I remember those kids in school, mostly because that shy kid who barely spoke was me. Maybe you can relate.

On a recent walk in my neighborhood, I noticed something that got me thinking of the human condition. I live in an area where the houses sit side by side and an unlined road cuts through the neighborhood. Driveways lead to garages or front doors and the grass on some lawns is so high that outside cats lounge in the grassy fields without having to worry about being seen. There aren’t any designated sidewalks for pedestrians so I have to walk on the roads that wind throughout the neighborhood, vigilant of cars that appear from all the intersections.

Recently, I have felt as if I am unraveling. I am watching myself fall apart mentally, emotionally, and maybe even physically. It’s uncomfortable and I am resisting. I want to feel whole again. I want to be in control of my life again. Just when I feel that I have a grasp on this thing we call life, another wrench is thrown into the proverbial smooth running machine. 

I’ve been on an official healing journey for over three years, but really, the journey began many years before that.