Displaying items by tag: nature

Since I was a teenager, I have had a bad case of monkey mind, the term Buddhists give to pretty much all human beings who can’t focus on one single strain of thought for longer than 30 seconds. My thoughts stem from impending end of the world scenarios that were brought on by any matter of things, to what I’m going to wear to work the next day. The apocalyptic fears manifest in my mind with alarming visual scenes that come from my overactive imagination. They could be triggered by something outward that’s happening to society at large, or something internal that is happening in my life personally, like loss of a loved one or job.

There have been very few Christmases that I haven’t spent with my family in Pennsylvania. Growing up in a small town, the holidays were some of the highlights of my childhood. A crisp morning greeted us on the short walk to the humming car, pre-heated and all ice crystals melted from the windshield. The air smelled fresh and clean, as if the snow and cold hit a reset button on the usual scents of, where I grew up, nearby cattle farms.

Two years ago, in December of 2021 I spent the Christmas and New Year’s holidays by myself, exploring the countryside and cities of North Carolina, searching for places to feel like I belonged, for a place I could call my home. It was a tumultuous time for me. I was still grieving and trying to heal from the loss of my husband and my life in an unexpected divorce. My heart leaked with failure, depression, and pain. My mind urged me to run far away from the pain and memories of my past.