Displaying items by tag: heal

When I was growing up, I preferred being outside playing in the dirt or woods to being inside learning how to cook and bake. I liked watching TV and the shows I watched inspired stories and games that I managed to wrangle my younger sister and brother into playing. I rebelled against the “domestic” chores my grandma asked me to do -- laundry, clean my room, and learn how to make meals. I preferred stuffed animals to baby dolls. I wanted to be outside, in the grass and dirt. I wanted to be “one of the boys” like my dad or cousin. 

But as I got older, it was an unspoken suggestion that my desire to be outside getting dirty was “unlady like” and that I needed to be quiet in school and church, and wear more feminine attire. I needed to be more of a girl. Always a people pleaser, I internalized those subliminal suggestions and I tried my best to conform, especially when I was out in public or with my grandmas. I could be more outgoing at my house, but had to reign in my emotions when I was in school, in church, or anywhere out in public.

I was probably 12 or 13 years old when it started. I was sitting at the kitchen table in my childhood home, feeling left out, depressed, and envious. Nanny was in the living room with my younger sister and brother, and they were joking and giggling about something. I don’t recall what they were laughing about, and I don’t think it was at my expense, but at that moment I told myself no one loved me and I didn’t belong.